What To Do When Your Child Says “I Hate Myself”
- Freena Tailor
- May 19
- 4 min read
A Guide For Parents Supporting Children With Big Emotions
Hearing your child say “I hate myself” is one of the most painful moments a parent can experience. It can feel frightening, confusing, and heartbreaking all at once. Many parents I support in Bedford and Bedfordshire tell me they felt shocked the first time their child said these words, unsure whether it was a passing comment or a sign of something deeper.
As a therapist specialising in neurodivergence, emotional regulation, and parenting support, I see this phrase come up often. It is far more common than people realise, especially in children who feel things intensely, struggle with self esteem, or find it hard to express their emotions in other ways.
This guide will help you understand what your child might be trying to communicate, why these words appear, and how you can respond in a way that supports emotional safety and long term wellbeing.
Why Children Say “I Hate Myself”
Children rarely mean these words literally. More often, they are expressing an emotion they do not yet have the language for.
Common reasons include:
• Feeling overwhelmed or ashamed after a mistake
• Struggling with perfectionism or fear of failure
• Comparing themselves to siblings or peers
• Feeling misunderstood or criticised
• Sensory overload or emotional overload
• Difficulties with executive functioning that make everyday tasks feel harder
• Masking at school and releasing emotions at home
• Low self esteem linked to ADHD, autism, or anxiety
• Feeling different and not knowing how to explain it
For neurodivergent children, these moments often appear when their nervous system is under pressure. They may have held everything together all day, only to release the emotional weight once they feel safe at home.
What Your Child Might Actually Be Saying
When a child says “I hate myself”, they may be trying to communicate:
• “I feel like I am not good enough”
• “I am scared I have disappointed you”
• “I cannot cope with this feeling”
• “I feel different and I do not know why”
• “I am overwhelmed and I need help”
• “I am frustrated with my brain or my body”
Children often use strong language because they do not yet have the emotional vocabulary to say “I feel ashamed”, “I feel embarrassed”, or “I feel like I cannot do this”.
How To Respond In The Moment
Your response can make a huge difference to how safe your child feels.
Helpful ways to respond include:
• Stay calm and grounded, even if you feel worried
• Acknowledge the feeling rather than dismissing it
• Offer connection before correction
• Use gentle, validating language
Some examples that support emotional safety are:
• “I am really glad you told me how you feel”
• “That sounds like a really big feeling and I am here with you”
• “You are not in trouble. You are having a hard moment and we can get through it together”
• “Your feelings matter and you are safe with me”
Avoid phrases like “Don’t say that” or “You don’t mean that”, even if they come from a place of love. These can make a child feel misunderstood or shut down the conversation.
Helping Your Child Understand Their Feelings
Once your child is calm, you can gently explore what happened.
You might ask:
• “What was going on just before you felt this way”
• “Did something feel too hard or too big”
• “What did your body feel like when that thought came up”
• “What would help next time this feeling appears”
For neurodivergent children, it can help to explore sensory triggers, transitions, or executive functioning difficulties that may have contributed to the emotional moment.
Building Self Esteem And Emotional Resilience
Supporting your child’s self worth is an ongoing process. Helpful strategies include:
• Praising effort rather than outcome
• Helping them notice their strengths
• Supporting independence in small steps
• Creating predictable routines that reduce overwhelm
• Teaching emotional vocabulary through books or visual tools
• Encouraging activities that build confidence
For autistic and ADHD children, it is especially important to celebrate their unique strengths and help them understand how their brain works. When children understand themselves, shame reduces and confidence grows.
When To Seek Extra Support
If your child says “I hate myself” regularly, seems withdrawn, or struggles with low mood, it may be helpful to seek professional support.
Therapy can help children:
• Understand their emotions
• Build self esteem
• Develop emotional regulation skills
• Reduce anxiety
• Feel more confident in who they are
As a therapist working with children, teenagers, and families in Bedford and Bedfordshire, I often support parents through these moments. You do not have to navigate this alone.
You And Your Child Are Not Alone
Hearing your child say “I hate myself” is deeply painful, but it is also an opportunity for connection, understanding, and support. With the right tools, children can learn to express their emotions safely, build resilience, and develop a stronger sense of self.
If you would like support for your child’s emotional wellbeing, ADHD, autism, or executive functioning, you are welcome to get in touch.
About Freena - Therapist & Coach in Bedford
Freena Tailor, MSc, PGDip, PGCert, BA (Hons), FMBPsS, is a BPS-registered Clinical Associate in Applied Psychology and child therapist based in Bedford, UK. She provides in‑person and online therapy, and specialises in psychological assessments, ADHD coaching, autism support, and evidence‑based mental health care for children, young people, adults, and families across the UK. Freena provides warm, collaborative, neurodiversity‑affirming care with an emphasis on helping individuals and families create meaningful, sustainable change.
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